I went to sleep last night on a wet pillow. St. John of the Cross would call it a dark night of the soul. I call it familiar.
Listen, before you start citing me well meaning verses, you need to know that I know Him. I know He is good and that He has plans to prosper me and that what He has promised WILL happen. I know His Word is true and that His Spirit is comfort that surpasses all understanding. I know He is my shield and my strength and that His portion is more than enough.
But why then does it seem the enemy is winning? Why doesn’t it seem like my Savior has come yet? Lord knows I have been crying out. I’ve been lamenting (and praising…but lots of lamenting). The Psalms say that He hears the heart of the afflicted and He comes. He changes things, and He wins…because His Love never fails.
Then why does it feel like the enemy is winning? My enemy is prowling around like a lion and he is pulling out all the stops to get me to buy into the lies that God has set me free from.
I am not worth loving.
My children will inherit the sins of the generation before me.
I will be left for something better.
If given a choice, people will choose someone other than me.
And everyone has the power of free choice, right? So where does that leave a little girl lost? I mean a woman found and saved by grace, but the little girl abandoned inside of this woman of faith. She’s easy prey.
I need faith today. Today has to be a day that He believes for me because I cant believe for myself. He has to give me eyes and a heart that can hope for what has not yet been seen. Today is a day where if doubt disqualified me from faith, I would be out.
When Jesus appeared before His disciples, the Word in Matthew 28:17 tells us that “When they saw Him, they worshipped Him, but some doubted”.
The word doubt in Matthew 28:17 means to withdraw from one, desert, to separate one’s self in a hostile spirit, to oppose, strive with dispute, contend and to be at variance with one’s self. To hesitate.
Doubt is a powerful tool in the hands of the enemy. It can get us to desert the One we know is Faithful. It can get us to separate ourselves from Him and others in a hostile spirit. To oppose His promises and to strive IN dispute of His goodness. It can (by definition) cause us to be at war with ourselves and to hesitate in our faith.
Here is the relieving news. Doubt doesn’t disqualify the Chosen. Even the ones closest to Christ, who saw him with their own human eyes, resurrected from the dead, doubted. In His great mercy and compassion, He didn’t rebuke them. Instead He extended His power to them and invited them into the fullness of co-mission with Him.
Have you even had one of those days? Or, like me, one of those seasons? I am reminded today that Christ is not at all offended by my doubt. He is strengthening my faith by reaching for my hand and placing it to His side as a reminder that He does win.
Here’s something we can all believe in today. His Love wins and even in the darkest places, He is there. He is coming. And He alone saves.