Vulnerability

By Stephanie

wall

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14 NIV

 The Lord has had me for some time now standing on a wall. Not behind a wall, or next to a wall, but directly on top of a wall – completely exposed. Walls historically  and practically are a built to defend. Their sole purpose to protect.

So what am I doing on this wall and why am I here? When can I leave? And if I cant leave, then what can I do to at least camouflage myself if I am going to be here a while?

What happens when the only option is to stay on the wall. When turning back and taking on old habits or patterns is not an option. I’ve come too far. Plus, God is not behind me. I mean, He was there when I was there…but now I am here and I know He only draws forward.

But what if the path is not clear beyond the wall? What if to go forward or to go back have the same potential problems…alone-ness, uncertainty, and worst of all… vulnerability.

The definition of vulnerability  is capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: difficult to defend.

My tendency in spaces like this is to take cover. Use old my habits to numb, to avoid, and to match externally what I feel internally. But on the wall, I cant go back and the path ahead is not clear, so my only option is to stay put. To remain here, positioned in a place of the heart where I am able to hear, feel, see. Its in this space of the heart that my King often speaks the kind of Truth that separates bone from marrow. It’s the place I see soberly the role I have played in believing what Tim Keller says:

 “The problem with us is we blame problems on things besides sin and identify salvation on things besides God.”

 I realize here on the wall, that whatever I am trying to defend…whatever I am  trying to justify… whatever I have used or abused in order not to “be”… that the Lord is drawing that out of me. Here. On the wall. Completely vulnerable. And its a space that while I don’t want to be here, I can’t image avoiding any longer if it means I will have to do it in my old ways.

I am reminded that I am not defend myself. That is the Lords doing. In Luke 21:14 on the heels of letting the disciples know that this life IS NOT EASY, that really bad stuff is going to happen.  Jesus says “But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.”

Never does God say to defend Him. He says worship me. Jesus says follow me. The Holy Spirit says listen to me. Defense and deliverance are God’s alone.

So I wait. On the wall.  Exposed and Vulnerable.

Yet tenderly and mercifully covered. Confident in what I hope for and have not yet seen.

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